Becoming a mom at seventeen wasn’t really the way that I envisioned my life going.
I figured I would finish high school, maybe go to college, fall in love, and then some years down the road I would start a family.. but I kind of got that order mixed up.
You see, when you’re young and dumb, you don’t really think it will happen to you. Having sex just seemed like the norm, and the obvious next step when you’re dating someone.
I had gone to church since I was 9, so I knew what the Bible says about sex before marriage, but when you’re seventeen, rebellious and “too cool” for all of that, well, those rules just don’t apply to you.. or so I thought.
We had been dating for about a year when that little blue plus sign showed up on the stick. I was 2 weeks late, but between all of the summer fun, we had been having I didn’t really notice.
When I finally took the test, I didn’t really think it would be positive. I remember sitting in my bathroom waiting for the 3 minutes to be up. When I looked at that test and saw the result, my heart sank. This couldn’t be, I must be reading the box wrong.. no no the company messed up the instructions. Maybe I peed on it too long, or not enough? Is it expired? There has got to be some logical explanation to this! but of course, the only explanation was that my life had just changed in a way that I could never have imagined.
Going from being a teenager who only thought about myself and all that revolved around me, to thinking about another human being was a big leap. I had no idea what it was going to take to be a mom, especially at such a young age.
I was never a baby person. I didn’t babysit when I was young, I wasn’t interested in holding any of the new babies at our church, I didn’t even really play with dolls. I really had no idea what I was doing when that precious little baby came into my life. I was selfish, irresponsible, lazy, and waaaaaaaaaaayyyy out of my comfort zone, to say the least.
The first month after she was born, I was pretty much in total denial. It makes me sad to say it now but I didn’t really want much to do with her at first. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, I did, just not in the over the moon, completely in awe of your child kind of way that most new moms do. I was so wrapped up in how much my life had changed, and how much I wasn’t able to do anymore that the joy and excitement of this new baby kind of became forgotten.
I wish I could go back and redo those days over, but I can’t. But by the grace of The Lord, I was able to see past my own nose and overcome my selfish, stupid self and see what an amazing gift He had given us. And I just have to thank The Lord for my husband and my mom, they were such blessings when B was a baby because, in all the areas that I was falling so short, they were there to pick up the slack.. I don’t think that little girl ever felt anything less than loved.
As the months went on my love for that baby grew, I started to look at my needs less and began to look at hers more. She became my life, my reason for kicking myself out of bed in the morning, even after she had kept me up all night – (No jokes, at one point she was waking up every half an hour all night long, and then on top of that, she would wake up for the day at like 6ish.. Not fun!) But as a mom we power through, not because we’re so amazing, but because our babies need us to.
I feel The Lord puts something in us moms that make us just do it, even when we’re tired, even when everything seems like too much, we just keep chugging along for the sake of our young.
Looking back I see all of the areas where I struggled so much, and all of the times that I didn’t give my daughter the attention that she deserved because I was too busy thinking about me and what I wanted.
But The Lord is good, and I know that His love endures forever. I am so grateful for the forgiveness He showed me when I didn’t always appreciate what He gave me.. He didn’t forgive me because I deserved it, but because that’s who He is.
He is a merciful loving savior, that is so willing to forgive us if we come to Him with a true heart of repentance and humility.
For me, the most beautiful lesson that I have learned about my God from all of this is how unspeakably merciful He is. We chose to reject His urging to wait until marriage, we decided that we knew better, and that really, we didn’t need to listen to Him.
But despite our disrespect, He looked upon us with grace and with love. He didn’t punish us, but instead, He chose to bless us. Now, I am not saying that He rewarded us for our disobedience, I know that our choice to not wait was not something that pleased Him.
But because He is such a loving God, He didn’t reject us for it, He forgave us.
As moms we all struggle, whether we are 17 or 45, we struggle and He knows that. He knows where we fall short, where we let our selfish flesh take over, where we try to be better but just can’t muster up the strength to, and through it all, you know what? He loves us! He loves us anyways! That’s the amazing, mind-boggling thing about Him! It’s not about how much we can do or how good we can be in order to deserve His love because to be honest, we can never deserve His love.
But that doesn’t matter to Him. He still takes us as we are, in our broken, sinful state, and picks us back up and holds us in His loving arms.
You see, there is no other love like His in this whole world. We could search forever to find it, but we’ll never succeed. The breadth, length, depth, and height of His love can no man truly measure.
Before I became a mom, I was never able to fully comprehend what the love of Jesus really was. I knew it was real, and I knew it was something I needed, but I never thought I would be worthy enough to find it.
But He showed me that His love is not reserved for the elite, the holy, or the perfect. His love is offered to every single one of us if only we are willing to receive it.
We just need to come to Him. We need to bow before The Mighty God with a true heart and a real desire to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him.
How have you experienced The Lord’s love?
How has Jesus changed you?
Let me know in the comments.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
– Matthew 11:28
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