The Lord had a different plan, a plan that I don’t think I will ever fully understand until I come face to face with my Lord..
On April 29, 2012.. only two days after our sweet baby boy came into this world, he peacefully went back into the loving arms of our Savior.
To say that the pain that we endured was hard, would be a very big understatement.
Until faced with the loss of my child, I was never able to fully comprehend how much it would hurt.
The first morning after coming home from the hospital was by far the worst. I remember waking up, and coming to the realization that he wasn’t there. He was no longer in my tummy, and he was no longer in my arms.
For the first while I had a hard time turning to The Lord.. It wasn’t so much that I was angry, but more that I didn’t really know where to go from there. I had put all of my trust and faith into Him coming through for me, that when it didn’t happen, I wasn’t even sure how to respond. I continued to go to church, once in a while I would pray, but opening my Bible became very difficult. I didn’t see a point in reading the scriptures because I no longer believed that they were meant for me.
It was a really lonely time for me. I was in so much pain, and no matter how many times I confided in my loved ones, nothing helped.
The One I needed, the One that my heart and soul longed for, was the One that I felt had betrayed me.
The grief began to overtake me. I didn’t want to feel better, I didn’t want to find joy, I just wanted to remain in my pain.
That went on for some time, and it wasn’t until I found this book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith (she is the wife of the Todd Smith, from Selah), that I was able to see things differently. I feel The Lord guided me to this book to help me see my circumstances from a different perspective. Todd and Angie dealt with a similar situation, but through all of the pain, they chose God. (I highly recommend this book, it is beautiful! She is an amazing writer, and she demonstrates such strength and faith.)
After that, I decided that I would choose God too. I didn’t want to allow this pain to cause me to turn bitter and resentful (I was able to see how easy it is to go to that place, if I let myself). Instead of blaming The Lord for what I could not understand, I wanted to choose to trust in His goodness, and to hold onto Him with everything that I had.
In the midst of all of the confusion, the sorrow and the tears, He opened my eyes and my heart to see that there was no way I was going to make my way through this alone. I needed Him.. and even more than that.. I longed for Him.
Once I made that decision to seek Him in those dark moments, it was like a light shone in and I was finally able to see everything much clearer.
Before, I couldn’t understand why He would allow such a horrible thing to happen to us, especially when we had been so faithful. He then showed me that it wasn’t to hurt me or betray me, but to strengthen me, to grow me, to perfect me.
Before, I was questioning how He could take my child away from me, but He revealed to me that my child was always His to begin with. By His grace, He allowed us to have the time that we did with him. Through it we have learned so much, and we have drawn closer to God than ever before.
I also came to realize how merciful He really had been to us. He allowed us to have two amazing, peace-filled days with our child. Of course I would have liked to have had far more time than that, but to be given that precious time was a gift that I will always cherish.
I believe that his life was a part of The Lord’s perfect plan. If I were to become bitter, and destroyed by what happened, then it would all be for not… I didn’t want my child’s life to be in vain.
I truly believe that it is through the trials that we go through, and the pain that we endure, that enables us to really help and encourage others.
One of my favourite hymns is It Is Well With My Soul. If you haven’t heard it, I really encourage you to look it up. It’s a beautiful, powerful song, and the story behind it will defiantly strengthen your faith.
This man and his wife chose to trust God through all of the pain that they endured, and to me, that shows amazing faith! I think many people have really been strengthened through his song and their story. If they had chosen to be angry and turn away from God, then he would never have written this song, and their story of faith, that has encouraged so many people, would have been one of hopelessness.
Sometimes our trials serve in the greater purpose of helping others make it through theirs. The Lord can use any hardship that we face and turn it into something beautiful, if we just allow Him to.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
– Romans 8:28
Believe me, I’m not belittling the pain that we endure, but if we choose to look to Jesus during these trying times, He will always redeem our hurt.
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrow like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
-It Is Well With My Soul, written by Horatio G. Spafford
I’m not going to lie and say that since coming to this revelation, everything has been easy and pain free, because it has been far from it. I have had many, many days where I have cried, and begged The Lord to somehow make it better. But I know that it is only through His grace that I have been able to endure. I know that while I am on this earth, the pain will never fully go away, and I will never stop missing him. But because I have Jesus, I have peace, I have joy, and I have the hope that I will see my child again one day.
I know that my little boy is walking on those beautiful streets of gold, with his King.
I just want you to know that if you are going through a hard time, whatever it may be, don’t lose hope. It’s never going to be easy, but if you continue to remember the goodness of Jesus, and you continue to trust in His perfect plans, I know He will make a way for you to get through.
The Lord does not promise us that our lives will be free from hardships, but He does promise us that every trial He allows has a purpose, and if we choose to cling to Him in the storms, He will always be faithful to hold our hands, and bring us through.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you saith The Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you can expected end.
– Jeremiah 29:11
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